Hypoxia

Guilty until innocent

2007-12-08T14:36:00.000-08:00

My wonderful employer has implimented a new eligibility verification process. Translation = You must prove that the people flying on your passes and entitled to your benefits are actually who you say they are, ie; parents, children, spouses, domestic partners, bedmates. So, In remaining consistent with the red tape propaganda, we are all (ALL 60,000 + employees) to send in a ridiculous collection of proof. I recently sent in a copy of my birth certificate and my mother's marriage certificate, to verify my Stepfathers right to fly, and no surprise, received a response that this documentation was "insufficient". Listed (and this is no joke) on the letter of requested additional docs states "copy of employee's birth certificate, final adoption papers if adopted before 18, baptismal certificate (Highly Christian-centric), or an affadavit verifying the relationship from a physician, estate planner or clergyman.

Considering that I have walked the line on discipline and have a less than spotless work history, I am trying to resist the temptation to send them in the provided envelope a baby tooth, Q-tip with my DNA, a crayoned picture from Kindergarten, and a poloroid of my mom and I from 1982, just to reinforce the fact that she is eligible for my passes. What makes this even sillier is that she has been on my eligible benefits list since I began with this Scairline 8 years ago. There. Now I feel better!

My trial retirement

2007-06-05T11:52:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how many months it has been since I have posted.. I had a total burn out last year from too much work and pleasure travel, and went into a power save of sorts! I took all of my 2007 vacation at once followed by a special leave.. I was really planning on doing a quiet sneak out, and had even taken a new job at a medical spa, and started my masters program, but alas, the masochist in me must have spoken, as I am flying again... perhaps just until my program gets going in full swing, but who is to say.. I seem to cry wolf a lot about quitting..

So here it is June! I just finished a month of Munich and Frankfurts, language position. Yes, my kitchen is well stocked with beer and chocolate. Both are very much needed after dealing with the German and Eastern European passengers. I have been frequently abandoning the carts in the aisle to run into the galley or nearest lav for a few "serenity nows". This summer is supposed to be total mutiny with the system collapsing under strained aircraft and crew scheduling. Perhaps I should just be nannying, walking dogs or selling ice cream on the beach? I would likely earn more money with a Mr Tubesteak cart :(

Melbourne Cup

2006-12-01T09:33:00.000-08:00

The day after the wedding I was thinking about flying back to Sydney for a few days, and then home, but was convinced by everyone to use my Sunshine Coast- Melbourne ticket instead, and attend the cup. So,... I am in Australia anyway, what's a few hundred more miles?

My flight is at 6pm, but check out is at noon. My alarm went off at 11:50 am... "who am I? Where am I? Oh no, 10 minutes til check out". I called down to the front desk inquiring about a reasonable check out considering it's low season, and staff did realize we all attended the Cleary/ McDowell wedding the night before. No such luck. Apparently no extensions were being given. So, 8 miutes later I have thrown the contents of my mobile home (travelpro) back into my suitcase, and I relocated to my temporary homeless shelter, a lounge chair by the pool. Could be worse I guess. I slathered myself in sunscreen as I did not want to wake up 3 hours later with 3rd degree burns, put on my sunglasses and earplugs, in case God forbid, screaming, splashing children should decide to enjoy the pool, set my alarm and went to sleep.

I am not ashamed, this is just part of being a skilled road warrior... use of resources, scouting of beds/ slash loungers and constant supply of pills, earplugs, and i pod accesories are just what you learn in Professional Gypsy 101.

Two of the Canadian guys woke me before my alarm went off and we went to the airport together. We were all quite silent on the flight, as we tried to recharge for what would be more debachery at the cup.

I stayed at my friend Jane's house (she works for Virgin Blue). She was like a child on Christmas morning, and had a pre-cup dinner, and cup breakfast planned, and her house was covered with "Cup dress options and accesories". Even though I was not a horse racing enthusiast (this has changed since the morning of the cup).. the excitment was contagious. The city seemed to shut down.. Surgeons putting down their scalpels, and plumbers their plungers in order to place bets and find fancy dress hats.

I quickly got into it, and danced around excitedly while drinking Belinis with my breakfast. Before we knew it, we were off to the races. Jane had a hook-up to the members only bar, which was wonderful, as it was surprisingly cold and nasty outside. Despite there being 120,000 spectators that day, we quickly found the wedding tour guests, and we drank Moet and placed bets together. My psychic tendancies failed me, and my horse didn't place. Jane's did, but we didn't realize this until the next day (too much excitment and too many cute boys around). It was too late as Jane's winning ticket was in a garbage bin we believe somewhere.

Anyway, all in all a great day, and a good end to my Australian vacation. I flew back to Sydney and on to LAX the next day, and began what was a 3 day jetlag/ travel recovery period.

Big Day

2006-11-29T08:25:00.000-08:00

I woke up the day of the wedding slightly hurting.. I could only imagine how bad the others were feeling as I had retired to bed, as they were pulling out a karaoke machine. Outside my window I saw people from the wedding I vaguely recognized, but they were moving slightly more slowly and wearing shades. I found one of Sally's friends (Jane) and joined her on a walk down to the beach. Nothing like jumping in the ocean and being knocked around by monster waves to wake you up. After the swim and an eggs benedict, I felt confident I could get myself together.

We went back to the resort just in time to escape a massive rainstorm. I have never seen rain like this, and I could only imagine the panick and downing of drinks that must have been occuring in the bridal/ bridesmaids unit. It continued to rain the whole day, and we all looked like drowned rats while filing off the bus into the church.... frizzy hair and streaky mascara, and a good 12 hours to go before the walks of shame were to begin!

We forgot about our rain filled shoes when Sally walked into the chapel. She looked beautiful. I tried my best to follow along with the Catholic wedding traditions. I was about 3 seconds behind in all the stand up- sit down- and automatic praying and crossings.

Leaving the chapel we saw to our delight that the rain had let up, and we were free to take the uncovered boat out on the river... YAY! what a relief. the bride and groom showed up, it stopped raining, and the champage was flowing. The reception dinner was great, ad the dancefloor was packed. I seem to remember Ucle Lenny moon walking at one point. by the end of the night I was demanding Jessie's girl from a confused Aussie DJ. Another friend gone to the smug marrieds!

Canadian themed drinks night

2006-11-15T15:31:00.000-08:00

The night before Sally's wedding, her parents threw a party in their apartment on the beach. Because "team Canada" had just won the Canada/ Australia olympics, (I missed this pre wedding event, as I was too busy missing my flight at SYD airport, probably a good thing as I would have no doubt been a jet lagged liability, uncoordinated at the best of times)... Anyway, the night's theme was Canada, especially for the Canadian guests and winning olympians... It was a bit connfusing, as it was organized by Aussies, based on their perceptions of Canadian themes. There was, in their defence, Molson, and The Tragically Hip on the play list. I spent the night running away from Sally's uncle Lenny, who with a twinkle in his eye was chasing me around keeping my drink full to the top, and telling off color jokes. I don't think I made it much passed 10pm, and did a sneak off back to my room, as all I could think about was bed.. I needed my beauty sleep before Sally's big day..

Oi Oi Oi

2006-11-11T09:53:00.000-08:00

My prayer and Ambien chaser worked, and I landed in Sydney. What happened next was just plain sad and avoidable... a comedy of errors... I was planning on catching a domestic flight up to the sunshine coast.. and had over 2 hours to make the connection. Sounded easy enough. No. Had to line up at the overzealus custom and immigration quaranteen section due to macadamia nuts I had won on the "halfway to Hawaii" game. Thanks alot beagle with a job. Tic toc. Out of customs, I follow the wrong signs, get a bit turned around.. (remnants of the Ambien cocktail to blame? perhaps?) By the time I get the information that I need to take an inter-terminal bus, I realize I am going to have to move it..

So I get to the bus. $5 AUS charge. Excuse me? I thought these things were universaly free! In my wallet I have $7 USD, and about 13 receipts from Starbucks around the world.. so, blood pressure rising, I look for an ATM machine. "OUT OF ORDER". Of course, why not... off to currency exchange booth to exchange my $7.

The next bus came 15 minutes later, and long story short, I get to the check in desk at jet star with 28 minutes before the flight. 30 minute cut off for checked bags. Too tired to cry. I would be missing the Canada/ Aussie Olympics planned by my friend's dad that day. So off to Sydney for lunch with a friend on layover there, and back to the airport 4 hours later. By the time I got to Noosa I had been traveling for about 24 hours. I had 45 minutes to get ready for the bachelorette party. I was the perfect attendee... drunk on one champagne, and speaking a strange dialect.. but I had made it...

To be continued...

VACATION!

2006-11-10T18:45:00.000-08:00

Oh... Bliss.. vacation. The only time I love my job. With the exception of 2 days in the middle of my 30 days off.. where I will be scrambling around looking for my uniform.

I just got back from a pretty crazy travel blitz.... a few days in Maui, with my parents, back to San Fransisco for 2 days with friends, and then to Australia.. It was a total whirlwind, and not necessairly very well planned. 10 flights in all... bumped from one, and one missed, (that was my fault)...

MAUI - This was actually quite enjoyable, considering I am a bit old for family vacations! The weather was great, but lots of early bedtimes due to lack of trouble to find on the island of Newlyweds and Nearly-deads.... The weather was great though, and I snorkeled alot.. had a brief romance with a 300lb sea turtle who came up to the surface right in front of my face for air. He was beautiful.. barnicle covered head and all.

After Hawaii, I spent 2 days in San Fran, went for my favorite martinis, (lemongrass) and got bumped from my flight to Sydney. They had weight restricted the flight, but wouldn't believe that jumpseaters are immune to this policy.. They refused to call operations, and just stalled and acted all busy closing up the flight while myself and the other F/A fumed with anger. As they pulled the jet bridge. I was in a state of panic, knowing there were open business class seats, with my bum not in it. My last attempt was to jump up and down waving my ID badge frantically at the cockpit while pointing at my bottom... too late.. they had been told to push.

The next day I decided our agents are not only ignorant, but evil, and was afraid to try my luck on us again.. so I flew to Honalulu.. first class, thank God, bought a concession ticket on Air Canada to Sydney. Mistake. 10 hours on a LEMON. I actually paid attention to where my life vest was, as I thought there was about a 50/50 chance of ditching, by the looks of the aircraft interior. I was also not impressed with the pile of cold cuts, small pickle, stale vacuum packed roll, and cold hard pat of butter that was dinner. It was a sleeping pill with a wine chaser, and a quick prayer, before trying to sleep the majority of the flight..

to be continued

Shanghai

2006-10-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

I returned on Tuesday from Shanghai... Had a great trip... brought my friend Bridget along! The loads were super light, so she got 1st class both ways.. I would walk my her sleeper bed angrily, stopping only to toss into her bag provisions for our in-room buffet. I forgave her though after my 4 hour chemically enhanced rest break.

When we got to our hotel we went down to the hotel bar (where it never fails that you see the pilots redeeming their cherished free drink coupons from check-in)... Had a quick drink there then down to the Bund area on the river to see the skyline at night. There was some sort of massive holiday and the streets were packed with locals. Many of them carrying inflatable Hello Kitty hammers. (I never figured out if this had any relation to the holiday being celebrated.) I was very overwhelmed by the crowd. Bridget had to talk me out of buying an inflatable hammer myself, just to beat people out of our way. I guess I don't do well in cities of 17 million, even being a self described city girl....

We sought refuge at a very nice restaurant called Truffles (worth cheking out) next to the Captain's bar, a quite well known hostel and bar. After some risotto and wine, my blood pressure dropped to a safer level. We went up to the Captains bar too (great patio and view) before the amazing race like challenge of getting a taxi in the inflatable hello kitty crowds.

slept like logs... and got up and went to the fabric market. It was very calm and quiet.. nobody yelling "hello! watch... DVD special price" every 10 seconds... we actually were able to look around unharassed, and had a few things made to order, which were later delivered to the hotel. After the fabric market we got lost on our way to the 580 NanJing Rd market, but at least found a dirt cheap place to eat, that actually looked ok.... (No glaring signs of bird flu or mystery meat).. I had noodles ordered very spicy (I think it can kill any germs CNN warns about) along with a Tsing Tao.... off to the market finally, which was more of a circus.. got a few bags, jeans, some jewlery... and went back to the hotel exhausted... It was all we could do to walk 2 blocks after our nap to get our mani/pedi/ oil massage.
The girl massaging me seemed to remember me from last year, and asked me all the same questions. (" you very beautiful! You want Chinese husband? I like your teeth and eyes! you big breasts. You like China or America?"") (all while slathering me with oil and candleing my ears!!)

OUr last day we went to Old City, which is just beautiful. I had wished we had had more time... we went to the dumpling restaurant and wandered around the gardens, making a few more purchases. For some reason I got it in my head that I needed to buy 2 globes.. which later turned out to be a major challenge to get home...

ANYWAY! The God of light loads was smiling lovingly upon our tired little crew selves, and we went home with only 90 in coach, 20 in business, and 1 (Bridget) up front! making for another long and well needed crew rest!!!

so all in all a great trip. I still have to clean my room which looks a bit like a market kiosk which has exploded.

Best friend is flying in tonight...

Shhhhhh (hiding)

2006-09-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

I am tip toeing around my neighborhood, and trying to be low key, as if that will help increase my chances that the crew desk will forget to call me. My 3 day trip, fell apart, and turned into a one day trip. Although I had a breakfast date in San Fransisco that I missed, it was nice to deadhead home last night, glass of wine in hand...

Because I am being pay protected for the 3 day, the crew desk has the right to reassign me to something to make up the hours... but it seems with the blue sky and perfect weather for flight ops and crewing, they have forgotten about me! So today I love my job and get paid to sit outside and drink coffees and watch daytime tv. I may even go shopping for some fall clothes later today....

Although If I shop I will have to charge everything, as my bank account is almost nil... Thank God I get paid before my Shanghai trip.. but to further complicate matters, I have forgotten my ATM pin... An ATM in Frankfurt ate my card for no apparent reason than just to be mean, so they sent me a new pin, which I have forgotten. (Blame on Hypoxia). So, I have been cashless, living on a coinstar deposit, and the odd tip money that I still get from passengers... HMMMM... I think as a group we should start soliciting tips from passengers more... I will elaberate in my next entry...

It's getting sloppy

2006-09-19T18:01:00.000-07:00

My second post in one day. I am now well into the red wine and watching a Steve Irwin memorial program on animal planet. Getting very teary. This could get messy.

sick list

2006-09-19T15:47:00.000-07:00

I called in sick for my flight. I had contemplated that I may need to, considering my roomies and I were hosting a boozy brunch sunday morning, and I had a check in Sunday evening. Wouldn't you know it... It's like the universe heard my thoughts, and collaberated by making me sick.

So I attended brunch, and tried to be a sport, as we had 25 or so guests. I had a vodka and orange juice, which I added water and emergen-c to... (This is how I justify things)... This seemed to have a compound effect with the nyquil that was still floating in my system. So I was a drunk, sickly host. Anyway, brunch was good. It quickly got rowdy. I took my feverish, buzzed self away from the party around 3, called in sick to crew schedulers, and went to bed for the day. My roomies came home from the bars in a state only produced by all day drinking. One denied brunch was over, and was opening bottles for herself at 10pm, the other was covered in tears and donut frosting.. (don't ask)...

Anyway, yesterday I cleaned up... today I did nothing... It is cold and dreary. I am feeling a bit better, but I am suffering cabin fever...

All I do at work is obsess over my bed, and think how I would sell my soul for it... so today, a sick day, I can't just tuck in and enjoy... I bounce around starting and abandoning projects, surfing the net for ridiculous things, etc. I think I just need someone to tuck in with me! (another story)...

Anyway, fall is definitley here! I have family coming in on Thursday, so have one more day of lounging. Next week begins a stretch of solid flying :(

Buckingham vs the pub

2006-09-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

Landed from London yesterday and spent the day totally tweeked from jetlag... Had yet another London.. The trips are going so junior.. I think it is a combination of the short layover, the fear of becoming sacrificial lambs to the inability of the smoke and mirrors security is displaying to foil attacks on us, and the horror of not having chapstick, lotions, makeup on the return flight. (You should see some of us getting out of crew rest!)

I have been to London probably 30 times now, and I always end up out with my friends who live there, doing various pub crawl activities. This time was going to be different.. I was going to Buckingham Palace, which is open right now for public tour. I was going to take advantage of my time in London and see something historical/cultural. And then my bed seduced me with its soft pillowed ways. I had set my alarm, letting myself sleep 2 hours after the all nighter. The alarm went off, and I did a quick analysis of my burning eyes, achingly tired body, and asked those few questions I always ask. Where am I? Who am I? Why?...

Then I hit snooze, woke up a few hours later (after Palace closing)... and met my friends Estelle, Sarah, and 3 of theirs, along with one of our other flight attendants for drinks and appies in Notting Hill.

Drinking 1 : Culture : 0.

What can I say???

Today is cold and rainy, so think I will maybe do a movie and clean the house...

Wedding Tour

2006-09-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

It seems I have been going to weddings all year long! My friends have all gone mad and decided to join the smug marrieds. Last weekend I went to Kelowna, (4 hours drive from Vancouver), to my friend Jill's wedding. We had a great time, nothing is better than a late summer road trip to a wedding on a lake! It was a low key wedding, and we (the bridesmaids) were the one's in white. Jill wore off white, as she said her divorcee status and 9 month old baby girl gay exposed the glitches in her facade of bridal innocence.... (none of us bridesmaids should have been in white if that presumption is to be made!).... It was hot as heck and many guests ended up in the lake after the ceremony, including Michael the groom, on water skis in his suit.

The reception was great and I did my best to deplete the open bar... ended the night being in somewhat of a kidnap situation in a speed boat, but found my way to my hotel, and even trickier, my room, safely.

Recovery day started with a handful of drugs.... ativan, gravol and tylenol, a greasy room service breaky, and then we drove back to the lake for 2 ceasers and a jump in the water... fail proof cure!!

drove back to Vancouver and flew home... Now I am really determined to give up the booze and associated junk food and recovery food. I am going to London tonight, so we will see if I can behave myself there. Maybe something less boozy and more cultural... Buckingham palace? A nice, low key high tea with the crew???? Is it possible? stay tuned.......

I am really excited to be here

2006-08-25T12:28:00.000-07:00

I was at Ohare the other day, and it was a total zoo, with the combination of the liquid and toothpaste confinscations at security, and the weather delays. I saw this middle aged guy walk by with a shirt on that said "I am really excited to be here" and I almost died laughing. What a perfect shirt to wear to the airport nowadays. I wanted to go hug him. I wanted to wear one on top of my uniform... or at least get a pin that said that....

Flying has been ok lately, but my heart is not in it right now... it goes through stages I guess. I have a nice Shanghai coming up in September, and I am bringing a friend along with me, so am looking forward to the shopping, spa treatments and sight seeing with her. She is great fun, so I won't have to rely on the senior mamas to take me out to the pearl market. We will order massages and Tsing Tao to our room, every 3 hours!

Other than that, just enjoying the end of summer.... Will have a few visitors coming to town Sept and Oct, which will be nice... It seems that is the only time that I do the touristy things here..

I am on call tomorrow, and will get flown for sure... hopefully somewhere good. Overseas... just want to get my hours done with for the month...

mexico turn

2006-07-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

Some of our trips look really good on paper.... until we fly them. Considering the fact that I am drowning in debt, I have been trying to pick up flying lately, for extra money. The funny bit is though, that flying too much makes me mentally ill, and causes me to do things like run to a bar and spend $100, or run to the Nordstroms shoe department to console myself in new shoes. So I really should probably just fly minimums, conserve my mental health, thereby getting out of debt an easier way. But I am still learning....

My little Mexico turn was actually not bad.. pretty good crew, and we got out and back on time, without delays. The "crowd" was a little challenging though... the type that flies once every Hailey's comet, and ask when the hot meal is coming, as I sashay down the aisle selling the snack boxes we have been selling for the past 5 years. These poor people,,, so excited to be going to some trashy resort...

The most shocking bit though were the questions asked after we handed out the customs forms. I kept running back to the galley to report the "best" ones so far... but they continued to create fierce competition for one another, asking increasingly stupid questions. I thought I had found a winner when a girl about 20 years old asked me what to put down next to Nationality. I looked at her for a second, blinked, and I said put down your nationality... your citizenship. She then said "you mean like North America"? and I responded, Are you Mexican, Canadian, and American? then it was her turn to blink, and say "no, just American". And then I in a pleasant flight attendant style way said "well I suggest you write that then!!" Then I booted it back to the galley proclaiming I had won, I had received the dumbest question of the day. The other F/A said "how sad. and these are our fellow Americans.....and they don't even know it!!!

I totally had it in the bag, so I thought, until I walked by our purser in the aisle who was leaning over a lady with a silk screen unicorn on her t-shirt. I overheard her asking him which box to tick for mode of transport into Mexico, Land, Air, or Marine. She didn't even seem to know she was in the air!

I was slightly envious of my dumb question only getting the silver medal...

Oh well, maybe next time. It is a fun contest to play....

I am off now, for a few days, and fly again on Tuesday, on reserve (scary).

Post wedding travels

2006-07-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

After one of our closest and dearest fell to the side of smug marrieds, us singletons decided to do a bit of road travel... we (the bridesmaids) went off with Capt. Chris, and had a great day in Florence... saw David, got yelled at for taking photos, and had another great dinner... Florence was beautiful, I really loved it. Getting back was a bit of a fiasco as there was a last minute random train strike, but we managed to find our way... The next few days took us to Lucca, San Chimiagno, where we had lunch and enough booze to inspire me to spent about 2 weeks wages on porcelin tableware and olive oil dispensers (which would be fine if I even owned a table... but I am sure one day I will!!!)

Had a very lovely time the last few days, spending the last night in Pisa, before I was on my way. I was very freaked out about getting home during the world cup madness, but somehow got on Lufthansa to FRA, (I have always had great luck pass traveling on LH, they really treat us well too), and the LAST seat on my flight home from Frankfurt, but it was thankfully an aisle seat, and I just knocked myself out with small pills chased by wine. It was nice to get home, but I did suffer several days of that anti-climactic day after Christmas type feeling.... Still, had a wonderful time... wanted to blog it to help remember it. I promise now my blogs will return to horrific inflight incidents and experiences... stay tuned......

Wedding Day

2006-07-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

The morning of the big day started off right,,, miraculously no signs of a hangover despite the rum and cokes, and a delicious breakfast with chamagne while getting hair done.. (who says always a bridesmaid is a bad thing anyway!?)

Estelle was calm and sweet as usual, no bridezilla behavior whatsoever... her only request was that the champagne was to be extra cold and steadily flowing.... a request I was happy to fulfill. We put on our lovely bridesmaids dresses, which really are beautiful, and dressed the bride. I was unfortunatley talked into buying a strapless bra/ contraption from the tailor who altered my dress, not considering at the time that it would be about 34 degrees c in tuscany.... so I had this contraption, which caused a hip buldge, forcing me to wear spanx, to suck in that buldge.... so I had a bit of a situation from the get- go... anyway, I did my best to stay cool and calm, and focus on important duties....

we headed down to the chapel which was on the villa grounds, and very old and beautiful and smallish. Estelle looked amazing. We all did a pretty good job at keeping the tears to small, quiet graceful ones, and there was only one moment of lack of composure when I heard the priest say "God unites these two in sexual union". I thought it maybe an auditory hallucination caused by the tight bra and spanx, and pre-ceremony champagne, until I saw Sarah's flowers quivering and Jane's eyes go wide.... I had never heard a priest say sex before. Luckily I did not laugh, and made it through... we then threw confetti at the Bride and groom and had our photos taken.

The photographers are 2 virgin atlantic girls who fly part time and do photography part time... they are an absolute scream, and dress in matching outfits... they are actually hard to tell apart, except for the fact that one was newly pregnant, so had a little bump... they clearly love their jobs, and almost do it without financial gain, as they spend their profits on their matching outfits.... Hopefully they will be featured on www.milehighpoxic.com soon, in mind your own business, as they really are good, for anyone LHR based, who needs a photographer and/ or fun wedding guests...

After photos and cocktails/ canapes, we went to the reception hall, (which of course was beautiful) and had a scrumptious meal.... several courses later, (risotto, crepes,soufle) coupled with the champagne, and I was in a bit of a state, ready to bust out of my contraption. I had hardly enough room to scull down the few last chance of liquid courage drinks before the speech.... the moment I feared most and was least prepared for came and went quite quickly. I was in a bit of a heat stroke/ drunk/ over-fed state, luckily my audience was too, so it seemed to go over really well. It was a bit of an out of body experience, but I think I hit the right mix of sweet and raunchy... a delicate balance that must be achieved for wedding speech sucess. The main story in the speech was one that estelle had requested I not tell, so naturally I had no choice but to tell it. It was the story of her and I at age 14, trying our hand at "romantic fiction writing" (inspired by the one or 2 Harlequin romances we had gotten our mitts on). We were actually late bloomers in the romance department, so were not exactly sure of all the Harlequin references, but we instinctivley knew they were naughty and fun.... so we wrote our own little forbidden novel, got distracted, and shoved it absent-mindedly in a nearby srabble box. The rather innocent writing activity turned tragic when her father found the script, in the scrabble box, on a Christmas holiday in Lapland, in a scene that could not have been more innapropriate for our Harlequin. In an attempt to decipher what exactly it was he began to read it, out loud, in front of estelle's family....

words like 'writhing, busom, manhood, and thrust'. It took about 10 years for estelle to partake in a game of scrabble without cold sweats.... so I just had to incorporate it in the speech.... she forgave me...

After the reception dinner we spilled down to the outdoor terrace where we danced all night in a lemoncello fueled delerium. It was great. One of the bridesmaids (no names) go a little bit over the top. There were tears and unsolicited hugs, lectures, speeches, and then stripping and yelling at things. All was forgiven, as weddings bring these things out in the wedding party, as we all know...

We woke up in various states of undress and make-up, and the hangover free miracle of Tuscany continued!!!! Everybody made it to the recovery brunch!! (some a wee bit worse for wear, and in sunglasses, but still!!!) we sent the happy couple off on their honeymoon to Rome and the Amalfi coast, and then headed off on our own travels!

Oh, Italia!

2006-06-25T06:51:00.000-07:00

*photos... Pisa, and estelle and I the night of the dinner party thrown by her boss*

Italia! The food, the shoes, the wine, the men, (not in order of importance)

Just got home from an amazing trip... a week in Tuscany at my best friends wedding... what a lucky girl I am!

Getting there was no fun... I guess due to the time of year with school out along with the world cup madness, flights are leaving completely full to Europe. My friend Abbey was working the first flight I tried over to London, and I wanted to passenger on her flight, but there were no seats or jumpseats, so I had to go home and try the next day which always sucks. The next day I was bumped twice, even the jumpseats going senior to me. I became almost like a mascot at the airport bar. I had suitors and job offers, knew the staff, etc. I was like Tom Hanks in "The Terminal". I finally got out on the night flight on the jumpseat. I only did it out of desperation and fear of missing my best friends wedding! I got about an hours sleep in a nest I built out of pillows and blankets on the cockpit floor, before I got kicked out for rotating crew breaks. So, I basically sat on the jumpseat for about 6 hours overnight. Luckily the crew was nice and helped me stay awake, fed me, etc. Once I got to London I had about 24 hours to recover from the shock and horror of it all before I flew confirmed (YAY! what a treat!) on BA to Pisa with the bride and groom. Sarah and Jane, the 2 other bridesmaids followed on the next flight. Jane had just flown up from Melbourne, standby as well as she works for Virgin Blue, and had her own stanby horrors along with jetlag to share. We got to Pisa where we found estelle's relatives a few litres into the sauce. I was done in and went to bed pretty early.

Saturday we spent the morning at the market in Pisa, and went and saw the leaning tower, before leaving to drive to the villa/ winery where the wedding was held. It was the first of many times getting completly lost... we made it though in time to get ready for the amazing dinner party estelle's filthy rich boss threw for her as a gift at a villa he owns on 1800 acres. He is absentee but has a full staff there at all times. 25 of the most fun and beautiful guests were invited,,, leaving the crazy aunts and wedding crasher types behind. Honestly there were about 12 staff for the 25 of us, and about 7 courses of ridiculously delicious food paired with wine so good my toes were curling under the table. We left fat and happy, and got completely lost on the way back again.

The next day was pretty much free time spent by the pool. We had a BBQ party that night with more great food, but sadly pretty sketchy wine, which caused me to start downing the rummers and cokes.. (never a good move for me). I spent that night (the eve of the wedding) in Estelles bed with her. Matt had been kicked out presumably in an attempt to uphold tradition and create and image of celebacy and waiting. I felt honored to spend estelle's last night as a singleton with her. We actually slept. She was not too nervous, and easier to sleep next to than bridesmaid Sarah who spins around all night like a rotisarie chicken....

Wedding day... to be continued....

Near arrest in Wisconsin

2006-06-05T13:14:00.000-07:00

On saturday I went up to a lake in Wisconsin with a flight attendant friend and the guy she is dating and a friend of his, and one obnoxious dog.
The weather was perfect. We lounged around on tubes and worked on our tans. I had a go on the jetski, and within a half an hour had caused a big scene with lake police. Apparently I caused wake in a "no wake zone". I seem to get into trouble everywhere I go. They actually pulled me over with a flashing light and everything. Funny thing is, the jetski I was driving was like a 1982 model and looked like a Barbie jetski, and couldn't go very fast anyhow.
The lake cop was a rather large female of questionable sexual orientation, and did not find humour in my "I am just learning to drive this thing" defense. Anyway, I got off somehow with just a warning.

If I wasn't a person with a uniform, I would state right here that I generally don't like people in uniform!

London

2006-05-30T11:14:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to be a good Bridesmaid, and help my best friend with the endless list of chores yet to be done, I flew to London for the holiday weekend.

Miracle of miracles I got first class both ways, thank heavens....

I will write more in depth later, but all in all a good weekend. We got a few things done,,, playlists, and then adjustment of playlists after the groom had a bit of a panic regarding the ratio of 80's music we had going. We rearranged some of the seating plan to make sure there wasn't too much of a screaming polarity between the dullest of dull tables, and roaringly drunk, party animal tables.

We bought hair clips, scheduled hairdressers, etc. Weddings certainly do seem to be a logistical nightmare, and if I ever do cross over and join the smug marrieds, I have to say I think I will elope.

Despite London's cold and overcast weather, we had a BBQ at some friends of Matts'. They had a beautiful flat on the river.

Anyway, I am feeling less bridesmaid guilt, and am giddy with excitement anticipating the wedding, which will be in Tuscany :)

Off to the gym to trick my body out of jet lag....

Hen night in NYC

2006-05-22T19:21:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I flew to New York for my friend Sally's hen night.... We all had a great time, and I now have the complication of wanting to move to New York. Being there makes it seem like your life is just passing you by if you are anywhere else. I will try to remind myself that I could not even afford to live in a shoe box there on a flight attendant's salary, and it would be a better idea to just visit often, as I have friends there....

One of my friends who I met in stew school lives in the upper west side with her boyfriend, so I stayed with her. We had a nice boozy brunch on Saturday, and then went to the park with some wine and cheese and crackers, building a bit of a buzz for when the limo arrived.

Sally had flown in from Vancouver along with another one of the girls, and the rest lived in New York, but were all Aussies. We were chaperoned by Sally's "Bridesmale" Dermot, who seemed to love the gender ratio of the group.

I have a pretty good recollection of the first bit of the night, but as the timeline progresses, it gets pretty fuzzy.... Champagne in the limo for a couple of hours, and then dinner and drinks, and then Karaoke. The last little scraps of memory involve lemon drops, dizziness, and being kicked out of the bar....

Because a chocolate mint melted all over my handbag, it was a bit more difficult than usual to use the evidence (taxi receipts, matchbooks, phone numbers) to put the pieces together, as it was all chocolate covered. Just as well really...

Sunday was spent in a hungover daze drinking bloody marys, at the movies, and almost being run over by cars on about 18 different occasions due to inability to move or think fast. I stayed an extra night due to my being unwell. Anyway, all in all a great night and weekend.

A few more days of recovery before I have to do anything now...

Mothers Day!

2006-05-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

I just got home from visiting my mom over mother's day.... I got on the flights no problem, which was good...

My brother was also visiting my mom, so it was great to see him too.... It was just what I needed considering some stress I have been dealing with in my personal life! sun, pools, and my mom putting Captain Morgan and coke in my sippy cup for my trip to the country club.... (I guess I can blame genes for all of my naughty behavior).. I think some of the blue haired ladies were kind of on to what was in our cups. I think we were having too much fun, and got a few bitter stares. It is an over 55 community, and considering my mom looks decades too young to be there and probably gets glares herself, my brother's and my even more apparent youth was not appreciated. It was kind of like being Cameron Dias in "In her shoes", causing a stir among the chubby ladies floating in the soup temperature pool with their pool noodles. I wasn't sure whether to feel elated at my closing in on 30 making me a mere child there, or alarmed at medical science's inability so far in finding the fountain of youth to save me from a similar saggy bum and pool noodle fate. :( ?

I am not used to that heat! I felt like I was walking through mud for 3 days. I couldn't keep my eyes open either! Anyway, it was good to see my family. I always revert to a 7 year old when I am with my mom. All of a sudden I can't pay for a haircut or make a sandwich myself even. I imagine this will be the case when I am 60 and she is 90!! I love that.

I am back home and it's cold and rainy... I was going to go to Trader Joe's and the gym this evening, but am having trouble pulling myself away from Dr Phil and the computer....

I may just go and get sushi tonight and do the gym/ groceries/ errands tomorrow. :)

Trainees

2006-05-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

Only the airline I fly for would think it's a good idea to send 4 flight attendants in training on a narrow body aircraft that is already overstaffed by 1. I hadn't had trainees for ages, so was actually looking forward to the comic relief and juicy new rumors they provide... However, because we were literally tripping over each other... (2 f/a's and 2 trainee's in coach, and 2 f/a's and 2 trainees in first) I actually escaped to the flight deck for a couple of hours.

I can't exactly figure out the "type" this airline is looking to hire right now. Based on the motley crew they sent us, it seems the corporate Schizophrenia is going strong.

Trainee # 1, took an early retirement at 40 from Cathay... The poor woman will not know what has hit her when she gets on the line... Going from 4 night Dubai stopovers to Cleveland 12 hour ones... she will probably last a week. I actually was slightly nervous about her doing something strange like taking socks off our first class passengers and massaging their feet. I was ready to jump in and intervene any second.

Trainee # 2... Gay guy, mid 20's, with a permanent terrified grin on his face, that only the training center can cause.

Trainee # 3... I believe she has been hired only for our low cost operation (not mentioning names). She honestly looked like someone who would work at a tanning salon. I believe she had jewels glued on her nails. She was actually bossing us around and telling us what to do. I am under the impression the company is leading them to believe they are the vision of the airline, and us "seasoned" flight attendants need to be replaced.. (this is the same message I got while going through training..)

Trainee # 4... middle aged man, seemingly in the middle of a nervous breakdown.. he spent a good amount of time in the lav, leading me to believe he was either hiding, or ill, or maybe looking in the mirror asking his reflection what on Earth he had voluntarily signed up for....

Oh well, at least it means some seniority for me... I just wish the company would get it together on the hiring.

Oklahoma city

2006-05-02T06:04:00.000-07:00

I was less than thrilled when I was called for a very early a.m flight. I had to order a taxi for 4:15. Apparently the dispatcher thought I said 4:50...so there I was all dressed up, crack of dawn, with nowhere to go... After a few heated calls to the taxi co, I gave up, and luckily was able to jump into a cab pulling up on my corner. A very friendly drunk guy (I guess a neighbor of mine!) stumbled out. This all begs the question that I have been asking lately. What the hell am I doing with my life??? On a Sunday morning, spending $ to go to the airport, to go somewhere I don't even need to go to? Anyway, a bad start, but it was actually a nice layover. As I was flying with 2 nutters, (one was the typical "HELLO I AM NOT GAY" straight guy, whose mannerisms and actions are so exaggeratedly masculine it's actually funny), I ended up on my own on the layover. I went to the Oklahoma City memorial. It is actually a very beautiful memorial. There were a lot of visitors, probably because of the marathon that week.

I wandered around Oklahoma city. Due to a gruelling personal training session, I was walking around like I had been on a horse all day... but I think it went unnoticed due to where I actually was.

Due to my usually tragic sense of direction, I actually ended up overshooting the hotel, and happily found myself at some sort of beer garden/ arts fair! This was quite lucky, and more excitement than I thought I would have! I was clearly in middle America though, and people watching in the grass with my beer was certainly interesting. The poor artists tents were sparse with visitors, but the food tents were rocking!

I would have to say the most ridiculous and noteworthy thing I saw was a young couple pushing a stroller, with a 2 or 3 year old in it. He had a portable DVD player strapped to his stroller tray , and was watching a movie! Eyes GLUED. No interest in the family friendly outdoor festival. Probably the most white trash thing I have seen in a long time, and believe me, I have seen plenty.. (I have been working frequently on our "lower fare" airline offshoot)... but I am not mentioning any NAMES.

Germany

2006-04-27T07:05:00.000-07:00

Finally, after several weeks of being hit by the ugly trip stick, I got an international trip.. which is what I prefer.. longer layovers and the option of purchasing duty free on the way home! I knew a good trip was coming.. after so many crappy ones. I am starting to suspect that the company has a formula of bad trips to good, which can maximize the flight attendant abuse they can deliver, while retaining employees, with the random and rare good trip reward...

When I was studying Psychology, I remember learning that researchers can motivate rats to continue pressing a food releasing lever for longer if payout was random, than if it was consistent or absent.. Much like how old ladies will sit at the slot machines in Vegas for hours.. waiting for random payouts...

so basically,, we are like the rats! or ladies in Vegas! *&^% trip, **&^% trip, good trip, ((&(*&& trip, *&%$# trip...

This is why I am still in this rodents' cage of a job, 7 years later!

Anyway, Germany was good.. When we arrived our hotel rooms were not ready... so we lounged around the lobby looking very disheveled. The staff took pity on us and gave us croissants and mimosas. I believe this is because they overheard us uttering threats of changing into pajamas and laying down in the lobby... (and believe me, it wouldn't be a collectively pretty picture).. so they were trying to appease us...

I slept most of the day, went out for a walk, a quick workout, and then down to the bar for a proper debriefing.. We went to a wine bar and restaurant downtown which was good.. and then to bed, to toss and turn and try to force sleep so I could function on the flight home... and God, what a nightmare that was.. I had to work in "the Village" (coach)... I am still suffering a little.. I knocked over a plant in my room, my uniform is in a heap, and there are gummy bears everywhere... which I ripped open in my jetlagged stupor. Oh well! It's ok, because I feel a bit better today than yesterday.. and I am sure I will feel almost normal before I have my next trip, starting the cycle again!

open wide!

2006-04-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

There was an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal today, about a debate brewing over whether it is ethically wrong to "sedate" children for flights....on one side, parents who didn't want a screaming, whining, over- tired child, crying and kicking seat backs for hours... on the other side, people who think it is irresponsible to "drug" a child.... Well those who know me probably guess I am on the pro sedation side... The child gets a nap, other passengers are not disturbed, and the crew is obviously happier. I imagine some parents could feel guilty over doing this... the same parents who think any amount of tv will decrease their child's IQ, and have their baby preparing for their SATs before they cut teeth.
For goodness sake, nobody is saying to give them Xanax or Valium! Heck no! save those precious pills for yourself! Just a little children's Benadryl or Dramamine will do the trick. If they still feel guilty giving their child a little chemical advantage, they can easily alleviate that guilt by justifying it with the knowledge that these same drugs will lessen ear pain, or motion sickness, depending on which you choose.

If you don't want to use drugs, I don't know, maybe Grandpa was a raging addict, and you fear a genetic predisposition for little Johnny,,, try deception. On my flight yesterday was a very resourceful man who had his little girl, around age 6 with him. He took a F/A from my crew aside and said "I told my daughter flight attendants give prizes at the end of the flight if children are exceptionally good" and then handed my co-worker a little snow globe to give her! Sure enough, she was as sweet as pie, more please's and thank you's than were heard in all of first class during that 2 hour flight, from the much larger children up there. I think it is a great idea. For any smug judgmental parents reading this and thinking deception is wrong... tell me this... Do you not have santa or the tooth fairy visiting your home? Both are a much less likely story....

So, as a flight attendant and former nanny, I do suggest a healthy dose of Benadryl or deception inflight.

The photo is of my friend's precious baby Myah. Daddy is a pilot, so Myah is already a seasoned traveler. Her mama, a good friend of mine, not only endorses baby Benadryl, but also probably a binky dipped in brandy as a chaser!

Easter egg hangover?

2006-04-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

I did not get on my flight home.. it was full. I could have taken the jumpseat, but did not want to sit on it for 4 1/2 hours... I hate jumpseating... you can't watch a movie, and I always feel like I am in the working crews way... so I opted to just come home.. I am going to attempt spring cleaning again... That has been on my to- do list for weeks.... I read something in In Style magazine recently that featured a how-to guide on cleaning out your closets and home... Basically it said if you don't love it and haven't used it for a year or more, pitch it (or give it away).I somehow find this very hard to do. I will hold up a blouse, that I have not worn in 2 years, and ask the question, "do I love you? Have I used you in the last year"? Well how do I know if I am in love with it or not? What if it is like a relationship, with ups and downs, and I am just about to rekindle something with it? and what if after I dump it, I feel the way one does about 2 months after a break-up... missing someone, and crying over the good times, forgetting about the way seeing them clip their toenails made you want to run for the hills.

I have a real hard time with regret and nostalgia, so I think that is why I have a hard time spring cleaning.. maybe if I have a drink or 2 beforehand I will feel a little less inhibited and can actually make some progress.

In the meantime, I am suffering from an Easter Cream Egg hangover! I remember being little, and eating a good 6 of them at a go. Well I had one last night, and it was pretty challenging to get it down. It was almost painful in a pleasure/pain way. My teeth hurt and mouth watered. I actually had to lay down for a while after... I guess I am really getting old... not only are hangovers worse, but so are Easter egg hangovers...

Tomorrow I am still off, and Tuesday I am good for a 3 day... I looked in the computer and there are a couple of Hawaii's and a Japan that I could be good for. Want the Hawaii.

Margarita Madness

2006-04-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

Tequilla... I don't think it's my friend. I will need to remember that as the summer weather arrives, and the blenders come out. I must be getting old, as it is almost 8 pm, and I am still feeling a bit fuzzy after last night. I went to spend the night with a friend,and since it was such a nice night we made "margs" to drink on his deck...I guess after a couple strong ones and no dinner, I became slightly accident prone. I walked right into his screen door onto the deck, and knocked it right off it's hinges. Somehow I managed not to drop my marg in the process. The screen door falling onto the deck made a pretty big racket. I thought I was going to be in big trouble, and didn't know how I was going to be able to put the door back together in 5 seconds, while drunk. It was the strangest thing too.. the radio on the deck was playing this song with the lyrics "she walked right through the door....she walked right through the door" at that very moment! I didn't know whether to run and get Rob so he could hear the song, or try to fix the door before he came out. Even if I had gotten the thing back on it's hinges, there was evidence of what happened on my face... dirt from the screen on my forehead and nose.... so it turned out to be a bit of a gong show. I honestly felt kind of stoned when I heard that song playing though, it was that strange.

Tomorrow I am going to try to fly home to have Easter at my dad's. The loads look pretty full.. I hope I don't go out to the airport for nothing!

Intervention

2006-04-13T19:44:00.001-07:00

I am in decompression from a rather ugly domestic 2 day... Nothing a couple of glasses of red can't soothe.... I did have a bit of a wake up call though... worked one leg with a lady who must have been late 50's .. but had that quality that some have that makes age hard to place. Is she 60? a bad 49? 112? Anyway, bless her heart, she was the epitomy of what you fear you may become in your deepest, most secret anti-fantasies. Stew-hag... tent sized uniform dress, strange brooch on her dress of a cat flying an airplane? disheveled... unpredictable with passengers.. this lady was pretty much crackers....nothing I had not seen before... not nearly as nutty as the lady I flew to Sydney with about 2 years ago who had a mustache, and cornered me in the first class galley showing me photos of her 18 or so African grey parrots. but still, sad. Anyhow, I sat next to this lady on my jumpseat, and I just got a sad vibe from her... lonliness, and regrets. She started talking about her weight and how she used to be 118 lbs, when she started flying... she mentioned some other things. I looked over at her and felt sorry for her. She had her (this is the worst bit) Harlequin romance novel on her lap, and take-out sandwich in a bag beside her. and I had a flash of insight. I bet she was pretty and vibrant when she was younger... and had probably had a few hot lovers. I bet she can't explain how time flew, and a proffesion once viewed as glamorous became unappreciated,underpaid, and sometimes ridiculed. Anyway, I made a little promise to myself... to do this for a bit longer, but not to make it the be-all end-all of my existance. God help me if I ever have a Harlequin romance novel on my size 18 lap while sitting on my jumpseat.

If any of my family members are reading my blog tonight... Please... if I don't quit, on my own, in the next 2 years, set a date, don't tell me of it, and on that day, execute an intervention. Much like you would if I joined a Polygamist cult. Come and get me and hand in my resignation. Sedate me, remove all cat pins and pictures from my possesion, and take me somewhere tranquil. I am sure, free of hypoxia, pretzels, and polyester, I will come to my senses. Consider this your permission slip!!

On Call

2006-04-11T18:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess I got off the hook today... They didn't fly me. I have never really learned to enjoy a day on call though.. I am checking my phone every 5 minutes. I woke up this morning spooning my very fat cat, my cell phone, and my home phone. I don't care what anyone says, but that is not a normal love life. I did laundry, packed, and wandered around in my housecoat... making toast and watching "The View". Hey, now that I think about it, today was actually a good day! I am already nostalgic about it!! I have a pink fuzzy robe, kind of like those soft socks, but it is a housecoat! It is like wearing one big soft sock around the house. I complete the look with my beloved sock monkey slippers, that I got at Target in January. I love them so much. I think my roommates, who are "normal people" with normal jobs, resent my sock monkey slippers. While they are getting ready for work, They can hear me slippering around the house, making coffee and getting ready for Oprah... hee hee... Hey, there have to be some job perks here! 7 years darn it!

Operation Chicken Rescue

2006-04-10T12:35:00.000-07:00

3 days off... Thank God... after a 3 day domestic nightmare trip, I need it just to recover. I was feeling particularly cranky on this last trip. The things that normally just make me roll my eyes and snicker were causing near catastrophic increases in blood pressure, and frequent "I quit" fantasies. Nothing out of the norm, just the usual, the hiding of the ipod between legs, (I can see the backlight shining, clearly it is on after our electronic devices announcement has been made). The stand still or near crawl on the moving walkway.... I am not really a type A person, and don't want it to come across that way, but doesn't a moving walkway insinuate "walking"? I am sure people might have somewhere to go, like to another city or country, if they are at an airport? Oh well, I have to resolve myself to the fact that I will see these things over and over. This job is just like the movie groundhogs day. Just different crews, different cities, different hotel bars. At least my crew was cool. We invented a new charity. We called it "operation chicken rescue". After a 12 hour + duty day, with no scheduled crew meal, (apparently we are robots).. And nothing but pretzels for us, I felt a bad case of either scurvy or rickets coming on. I took a peek at our first class catering.. salads with sliced chicken breast. Then I took a look at the passengers, quite nice, but I noticed several had visible rolls hanging over their seatbelts. That's when I decided on operation chicken save. Just one small slice of chicken breast per 12 entrees, and we could literally build a new chicken breast each per crewmember! It was a win/ win situation. The crew eats, the passengers have forcibly controlled portions, and the whole aircraft has a much more balanced mean blood sugar level. I didn't feel bad about it at all! Anyway, it is a beautiful day and I need to get some fresh air and sunshine before I am sent back into a tube..